If you’ve never experienced the joy of a Facebook carp fishing group, imagine a Sunday car boot sale — but instead of vintage lamps and bootleg DVDs, it’s full of people arguing about rigs, selling 12-year-old bivvies for £400, and posting blurry photos of fish that may or may not be a tench.

These groups fall into three main categories:

  1. The Echo Chamber of Experts
    Here, every member is apparently a consultant to NASA, but instead of rockets, they focus their genius on lead sizes and whether a Ronnie rig should be 3 inches or 3.1 inches. Post a picture of your setup and within seconds, five self-proclaimed “seasoned anglers” will appear to tell you you’re fishing it wrong — usually in ALL CAPS. Bonus points if they start with “Not being funny, mate…”

  2. The Buy/Sell/Swap/Punt-it-on-Again Group
    Every second post here starts with “No time wasters” and “Rare, hard-to-find” — usually describing an item that’s on eBay for a tenner. The photos are always taken on a carpet that looks like it’s seen more boilie dust than a bait factory floor. Haggling is mandatory. Shipping is optional.

  3. The Name-and-Shame Brigade
    These are the posts where someone catches a carp and dares — DARes — to put it back. The thread then descends into a 300-comment pile-on about “real anglers,” “back in my day,” and “you’ve ruined the lake.” The admins are nowhere to be seen because they’re too busy arguing in another thread about the best alarms under £20.

Top Survival Tips for Navigating a Carp Group:

  • Never ask where someone caught their fish. It’s like asking for their PIN number and mother’s maiden name in the same breath.

  • Always use the phrase “each to their own” when you realise the argument isn’t winnable.

  • Don’t post on a Friday night unless you want 47 conflicting answers before you’ve even made a brew.

In short, Facebook carp fishing groups are like fishing itself — full of surprises, mostly harmless, occasionally brilliant, and occasionally make you question why you do it at all.